Tips for becoming an ignoramus. How to study without learning anything?

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In order to become an ignoramus, there are nine basic steps you should take or guidelines you should follow. If you sincerely will follow these, I promise that you won’t learn a thing and will successfully waste your life. Moreover, by adopting these principles and implementing them thoroughly you may bear the honor of becoming the living proof of natural selection (is there any greater honor to have than that? Dare to challenge me). Your name may disappear from the annals of history, but your influence and example, will certainly have left its decisive mark on countless future generations.

Now, let me introduce you to the commandments you should know by heart.

1.Never study (or do) more than you have been asked to. Many men of letters and wit, (not to mention, most of our eminent scientists) have made and, still to the bewilderment of many, are making the grave and despicable mistake of overworking their pitiful asses. Men are not workhorses, but the apex of the animal kingdom. It is inhumane to work until one’s head is overloaded with a bunch of worthless intellectual garbage and other crap. The swelling of your brain is dangerous to your health. Any exhaustion should be avoided (is it not also the advice of your doctors?). The constant abuse you are doing against your body one day is bound to return with vengeance.  You will understand, what I am talking about, when you are older and sicker. Until then, (do you have any other option?), you will have to trust me on this.

2. Work-ethic and discipline are two words that should make you shrink like a vampire from the cross. Get rid of the bad habit of perseverance and diligence, which makes you vulnerable to premature depression and other psychosomatic maladies. Self-discipline and work-ethic only encourages paranoiac mental states, judgmental sentiment, snobbery and arrogance. No matter who will try to out-argue you, stay firm in your convictions, be lazy and hold your composure.  Self-discipline has no merit whatsoever. Talent is key. You know you have it. You see it daily in front of the mirror. Thus, no need to push the limits.

3.If you want to be loved by other people, be genuinely stupid. Listen to their rant, smile wholeheartedly and always say “yes” no matter what is the question. Make a joke about yourself or, even better, do something utterly foolish like smile without no apparent reason, walk by staring at the ground or like a cowboy trying to catch his horse in the manner of Gangam style, wear funny costumes or fake multiple foreign accents and use them interchangeably in your verbal performances. If this for some obscure reason doesn’t work, try to stutter and bubble various incomprehensible syllable. This will surely make you popular.
Also, try to mimic celebrities like Jim Carey,  Mick Jagger or Madonna. We all love fools. They make us look good. If you have acquired many friends, you may congratulate yourself, that you are a legit ignoramus. And the best part of bearing such a lofty title is that you won’t even notice it until, as they say, when the awkward day comes and someone else steels away your thunder.

4.Reading should be banned from your behavioral repertoire  Remember, books are only good for collecting dust in your apartment. Apart from that they are completely useless. The best you can make out of a book is a lousy toilet-paper,  but this is not worth the effort. Of course, there is this widespread rumor circulating among the educated folks, that books (especially those old and bulky ones) also make a brilliant firewood. You may want to test this idea for yourself.

5. If you cannot escape reading at least do yourself a favor and read without ever making any notes. This will help you forget everything much quicker. Another method is to pretend that you are reading, while you are actually hoping to attract the attention of the girl next door. I’ve heard that some ladies love the bookish and nerdy types. But don’t go overboard with this theater as simulation of reading one day may actually develop into the unnatural and unhealthy habit of full scale reading.

6.Be careful to avoid the company of some weird fanatics – mostly these are people who carry the titles of Dr. (Dr.Essers, Dr.Iblers, Dr.Agons, Dr.Ugsters etc.) and Prof. (the abbreviation stands for psychopathic ranters and obscene fanatics). All these people are mad.

7.If you want to succeed in life, procrastination is a must. Distract your attention away from the task at hand as much as possible. Enjoy your free time. Watch movies. Play games. Do a web-cam show for your friends.

8.Never allow other people to control your time. Remember, you are the Master and you are in control of your life. Nobody should push you around or tell you what to do. You should learn Karate or Jujitsu  just in case some wiseguy disagrees with you.

9.Be yourself. This is essential. Do what you feel like doing. If it’s – having a gang-bang orgy, then do it. If it’s – running naked in the streets, then, for heaven’s sake, do it. By the time you are old, you should have no regrets and no missed opportunities. Hence, for now your studies and work can wait. You won’t have those great looks of yours forever, you know that, so why waste the best years of your life looking at a computer screen and trying to feel important? Go outside. Have a sunbath, take a swim and drink a bear or two. Enjoy yourself while you can. As the old maxim goes – the time for acquiring wisdom is in old age (and in all probability, if you are reading this, the time for wisdom is still far ahead of you). While you are young, you should forget about wisdom (it is overrated and doesn’t come anyway) and focus on the more important things of life like your dreams and ideals. Make a mark on the world by being yourself and see what happens.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Tips for becoming an ignoramus. How to study without learning anything?

  1. I know people who subscribe to #3 wholeheartedly….the kissasses and foolhardies.

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