The study of theology is the study of nothing. It is founded in nothing; it rests on no principles; it proceeds by no authorities; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and admits of no conclusion. Thomas Pain
Chicago (AP) – Roy Larson, religion writer for the Chicago Sun-Times, recently had a visitor at the newspaper. Gene Townsend wanted to talk to him about a new church.
“When I introduced myself, I was struck by his lack of enthusiasm. The reason soon became clear,” said Larson.
Their conversation went like this:
“I understand you’re starting a new church.”
“That’s right,” replied Townsend.
“What’s it called?”
“The Church of the Living Apathists.”
“What’s an apathist?”
“Someone who’s apathetic.”
“Why did you ask for the religion writer?” Larson asked.
“Because we’re religious apathists. We’re apathetic about religion. If we were apathetic about sports, I would have asked for the sports writer.”
“You said ‘we’. That means you’ve got some cohorts. Right?”
“Have you gotten yourselves organized?”
“We’ve had a few meetings. We’ve got the application blanks to organize as a not-for-profit corporation in Illinois.”
“Do you plan to file them?”
“I don’t know. So far we’ve been too apathetic. Besides, we don’t have an address. Or any money. And we never will.”
“Do you have any scriptures?”
“Yeah. It’s a book filled with blank pages.”
“What’s your chief symbol?”
“It’s a gray rectangle. It symbolizes nothing.”
“Are you the high priest or are there any ministers in your church?”
“A true priest in our faith would be one who wouldn’t show up for meetings.”
“Doesn’t that make you a phony? Why did you bestir yourself to come in and tell me about your new church?” asked Larson.
Townsend said: “I guess you’d have to say I’m not a true believer. I’m a borderline apathist.”
“Why did you come in?”
“I just happened to be walking by the building and decided to stop.”
“Do you plan to call any meetings to get your church under way?”
“We’re thinking about it.”
“How do you rate your chances of success?”
“Great. If we call a meeting, chances are no one will come. And that will mean the meeting is successful.”
“What’s your potential membership?”
“Already, I think 10 per cent of the American people are members. Maybe, it’s 100 per cent.”
“Just one more question. As you see it, what must I do to be saved?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
“I see. Well, keep the faith, friend.”
“Thank you. And may the god of emptiness be with you.”
*This article was taken verbatim from “The Southeast Missourian”, January 30th, 1976. See here.
**Painting by Zdislav Beksinski
1. God is a thought away from not existing.
2. Forgive those who believe in God for they don’t know what they are doing.
3. The bubble in which God lives bursts as soon as you touch it.
4. God is what happens when probability fails.
5. The chance happening is often mistaken for God.
6. God is an accident which theologian failed to explain.
7. Theologians first believe in God and then await what will happen.
8. What is obvious to a theologian, is obscure to everyone else.
9. God is a possibility from which theologian has made a necessity.
10. God is an uncertainty made certain by a theologian.
11. God is a performance by a theologian.
12. God is like a banana peel on which theologians slip.
13. All footprints of God belong to a man.
14. God is theologian’s hermeneutical key to unlock the mysteries of the Universe.
15. Mystery of God points to another mystery that is not God.
16. Humans are far too creative to be satisfied with the non-existence of God.
17. To create a new God one should abolish an old religion.
18. Modern theologian is a medieval witch born four centuries too late.
19. Bronze age deities today wear modern clothes.
20. Theologians fight against reason with a thought about God. Continue reading
1. God loved the world so much that he decided not to exist.
2. The most well-know God is the unknown God.
3. Belief in God is a sin against reason.
4. The temptation to believe in God comes from the Devil.
5. God is never blamed for not arriving in time.
6. To feel important and indispensable, attach your life to God.
7. Small minds believe in God, genius believes in himself.
8. God is not your Shepherd even though you may feel like his holy lamb.
9. It is the thought about God that appeals to Man, not God himself.
10. God is an unfulfilled promise, a promise of a better life.
11. If you are happy because you believe in God, you do not really believe in God. Continue reading
- When a theologian speaks about God, he speaks about nothing.
- If you cannot understand what a theologian is saying, it is because he did not tried to say anything.
- Theologians speak a lot of nonsense and are proud of it.
- If a theologian wouldn’t be vague he would cease to be a theologian.
- If a theologian is not vague, ambiguous and contradictory, he is not a theologian.
- Theologians are arm-chair semanticists. They like to play with words and meanings.
- Nonsense, logical fallacies and ambiguities are the lingua franca of theologians.
- Theology is a funny language game whose rules no one comprehends, including those who play it.
- Theologians assign new meanings to old words and invent new words to change old meanings.
- Theologians have a lot of authorities on which they base their arguments, none of them is God.
- Theology is a an elaborate system of creating something out of nothing.
- Theologians like to employ big words to describe their little beliefs.
- Theologians jump from man to eternity to God in a single sentence.
- Theologians confuse their personal beliefs, feelings and experiences with God.
- Theologians believe in something unknowable in someplace unknown.
- Theologian is emancipated from the constraints of reason. God is a license that allows him to run amok.
- The benefits of a belief in God is in the knowing that one can get away with anything.
- Belief in god is a tranquilizer, a drug, a narcotic. Theologians are addicts. To cure yourself from a belief in God you should start taking your belief seriously.
- Theologians never take their beliefs seriously. If they do, they become atheists.
- If a theologian would really believe in God, he would become an atheist.
- If a theologian would understand himself, he would become an atheist.
- If you succeed tying a theologian to a dogma he will say that you are dogmatist.
- The experience of God paves the way to atheism.
- The absence of belief in God is a prerequisite to the experience of God.
- God never died because he never lived.
- If God existed he would never be God. The existence of God excludes the existence of God.
- Faith crumbles when God appears. God’s appearance is his disappearance.
- God reveals his face to those who do not believe in him.
- Those who believe in God are those who have abandoned humanity.
- If you seek God, you have lost yourself.
- Theology that poses and parades as being all-inclusive, is, in fact, very selective and exclusive. The most liberal minds are the most conservative. An integral vision is actually a sectarian blindness.
- Theological writings are the greatest insult to human intelligence ever written.
- Theologians rely on the infinite resource of human gullibility and wishful thinking.
- Theologians deceive themselves. As soon as they realize this they become atheists.
- Belief in God presupposes self-deception.
- Theologian’s belief in God is sustained by perpetual deception of others.
- Theologians engage in pseudo-questions and provide pseudo-answers.
- Theology is a form of fiction. It becomes a form of madness if it is being mistaken for a representation of reality.
- Taken literally theology doesn’t make any sense. If theology makes sense to you, either you are mad or you are a theologian.
- Modern theology is a relic of medieval nonsense. It is an atavism of a bygone age.
- Theologians like to think that they are being misunderstood by other people when in fact other people are being misunderstood by theologians.
- Modern theologian is the new pagan.
- Theologian is a modern day barbarian.
- The best arguments against God are those which the theologian employs to prove the opposite.
- An enemy of a theologian is not someone who disbelieves in God but someone who’s faith in God is stronger than his own.
- Theologians receive their proper punishment in this world not in the world thereafter.
- Theologians are their own worst enemies.
- Theologians employ reason in the service of God. Thus the world appears unreasonable to them.
- To an eye of a theologian the constrains of reason are obvious. Hence the necessity of God who has no constrains. God is reason without constraints, in short – God is madness.
- No theologian can be a scientist but many scientists can be theologians.
- To a theologian contradictions, inconsistencies and uncertainties give evidence for the existence of God.
- To a theologian the best evidence for God is either himself or another theologian.
- Mathematics is to physics, what fairy-tales are to theology.
- Theologian’s beliefs grow stronger if they have been contradicted and proven false.
- Modern theologians do not speak about the dogmas and doctrines of their religion, instead they speak about their personal experience. They are pseudo-believers and crypto-agnostics.
- To a theologian freedom is actually a dependence from God.
- Theologians collapse before the rational imperative of today. They try to reinvent themselves as atheists.
- The true believers of tomorrow are those who have lost their faith today.
- Conversion of the heart is stubbornness of the mind.
- The born-again die twice.
- Leap of faith is lack of knowledge.
- If God is light, then we are the sun, thinks the theologian.
- The biggest compliment you can give to a theologian is that he is not a theologian.
- Belief in God is actually nothing but a hope of having a different life.
- Belief in God is arrogance and vanity in disguise.
- Belief in God is a negation of life. Religion is a cult of death.
- Revelation of God is the concealment of man.
- The death blow to God is a salvation of man.
- Believing in God is doubting yourself.
- Theologians want to survive first, only then – to believe in God.
- To have a better future in this life theologians preach a better future in the life hereafter.
- God’s existence and God’s non-existence look very much alike.
- The practice of faith is repetition of beliefs.
- Ask a theologian how he practices his faith and he will tell about his beliefs.
- Belief in God is a bluff.
- If God existed there would be no theologians.
- If God existed no one would believe in him.
- If existence of God would become obvious to everyone, theologians would be the first to deny it.
- If God existed theologians would explain him away.
- To offend a theologian you should proclaim yourself a God.