Tag Archives: advice

Believe in me!

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Here’s a free piece of advice. You have to believe in yourself! In your story! Ups… those damn slips of the tongue, I mean, you have to believe in me! Yes, in me and my story that I am trying so hard to sell to you. Believe in me, so that you can make my dreams come true. I mean, who else, if not you, can change the world? Be the change you want to see in the world. Be me! You have to believe in me! I am me because of you. And you are you because of me. And if I am I because you are you and you are you because I am I, then I am you and you are I. Twist it whatever way you want, but the fact remains that we are fundamentally inseparable from one another.
I receive daily ten thousand letters from all parts of the world asking me the same questions all over again and again. “Why are you so awesome?”, “How did you achieve your dreams?” and “What’s your formula for success?”. Since I cannot respond to each and every inquiry individually, my answer to you all collectively is this: “Believe in me!” It is really that simple. There is no need to think it through any further. No need to over-intellectualize or analyze beyond the obvious. You only have to remember this golden maxim and repeat it before going to bed every night: “Believe in me!” There are no conspiracy theories or monetary matters involved in here. I can assure you of that. Take my word for it. I have no hidden agendas and no ulterior motives. In fact, I have no self-interest at all in what I’m about to tell you. I only want to help people. I only want to help you. Believe in me. Continue reading

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How to end a story?

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There is this one question which hunts me like a werewolf in a full moon, namely: “How to end a story?” No, no, no… start all over again! You butchered it as always. Don’t talk like that with your audience, your readership or those millions-gazillions, tons, meters and foots. You have to personalize or at least to personify. Make it concrete. Be a little more precise. Use vivid and colorful imagery. Hypnotize and spellbind. Understood? Good. Woof. Woof. Now, continue. So where were we? Aah… One, two and go!
There is this one question which hunts me like a werewolf in a full moon, namely: “How to end MY story”? Yes. This is the correct semantic form and it rings so true. Very good. It is MY story. MY story. In capital letters. Majuscules. Sounds much better. Please, go on. Ride the wave of inspiration! Continue reading

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A Pathetic loser: enter Steven Pinker!

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I’ve been reading Steven Pinker’s “How the Mind Works”. On the page 53 I found this quote that strung a note in my system. I would like to share this gem with you all:

Well into my procreating years I am, so far, voluntarily childless, having squandered my biological resources reading and writing, doing research, helping out friends and students, and jogging in circles, ignoring the solemn imperative to spread my genes. By Darwininan standards I am a horrible mistake, a pathetic loser, not one iota less than if I were a card-carrying member of Queer Nation. But I am happy to be that way, and if my genes don’t like it, they can go jump in the lake.

So, there it is. The long awaited formula of success. If you want to follow the example of Prof. Pinker and join his weird tribe of pathetic losers, brush up your reading habits and write a bulky book or two of at least 500 plus pages (the more, the better!). Here are a few tips for the possible book titles you should consider (inspired by Prof. Pinker’s dazzling hairstyle) – “The Worst Demons of Our Color: Why Harmony Prevails”, “Ether of quirks: An Insight into the Clouds”, “The Silent Anarchy: The Ingredients of an Intelectual Soup”, “The Instinct of Balderdash: How Yellow Bananas Secretly Laugh Behind Our Backs”, “Ignorance and substance: The destruction of a fellow academic”, “The Invisible Hallucination: How the Ghost of Noam Chomsky Speaks in Grammatically Correct and Complete Sentences”, “The Naked Charisma: Mirorr Training 101”.
Once you have written a couple of those bestsellers and have earned a fair share of global attention and received a majuscule bounty for your efforts at practicing loserdom, you are encouraged to further rely on Prof. Pinker’s witty advice. Having deep pockets stuffed with intellectual brilliance and rocking a mountain of hair which has actually become an extension of your brain, may not be enough to secure the low Darwinian rating you so strive for. Therefore, remember to run amok once in a while and jog in circles as these kinetic activities perhaps contain the missing link and the last peace of the puzzle you have been searching for. Finally, to fortify your success, you may want to join the Queer Nation and wear a t-shirt with a frontal inscription carved in golden letters: “We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it.”
If, for some odd reason, this expert advice falls on thorny ground, there always remains a refreshing and, might I add, tempting option of jumping in the lake or a bubble bath, if this makes any difference. The path of escape from the dryness runs through water. Who would have thought!

P.S. I hope I am not offending anyone with this post and especially not the magnificent bush on Steven Pinker’s scalp.

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Tips for becoming an ignoramus. How to study without learning anything?

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In order to become an ignoramus, there are nine basic steps you should take or guidelines you should follow. If you sincerely will follow these, I promise that you won’t learn a thing and will successfully waste your life. Moreover, by adopting these principles and implementing them thoroughly you may bear the honor of becoming the living proof of natural selection (is there any greater honor to have than that? Dare to challenge me). Your name may disappear from the annals of history, but your influence and example, will certainly have left its decisive mark on countless future generations.

Now, let me introduce you to the commandments you should know by heart. Continue reading

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