Do you feel depressed sometimes? Do you feel that you have reached nothing so far and probably never will reach anything? Do you feel that you have done nothing of merit? Do you feel that you have not met the expectations? Do you feel as an utter failure in life? Nothing works for you even though it seems that you have tried everything. You have consulted various authorities, visited prominent specialists, talked to well-known experts. You have engaged yourself with the brights and other inspiring luminaries of our time. You have listened carefully to the out-of-box-thinkers and dutifully applied every advice you have been given. You have kissed crucifixes and worshiped plethora of idols. You have practiced Yoga, Zen and Jujitsu. You have read the whole encyclopedia Britannica twice. Yet all this of no avail. You have been on a vegetarian diet for years, you have sat on the psychoanalyst’s couch even longer and taken doctors’ prescriptions since you were seven. And yet zero success. You still feel the same. You still feel bad about yourself. Life sucks. At least that’s what you say to yourself. Even though you have so much, it feels like you have nothing. Even though you have accomplished quite a bit in a short amount of time, it feels like you have done nothing. You feel like a nobody. And this feeling is what matters to you the most. It colors your perception of the world. You cannot shake it off or get rid of it. It is simply there. In you. You are it. You feel it at all times. Wherever you go, it follows you like a shadow. It seems like there’s no escape. You are trapped inside a cage of your own making.
No doubt many people would envy you. Externally you seem fine. No one notices anything strange about you. You seem so normal. So ordinary. Nothing betrays your madness. You are just like everyone else. You fit in. You are one of us. You accept the trans-like quality of everyday life. You want to appear peaceful, happy and joyful. You respond politely and make sure you don’t offend anyone. You are careful not to be singled out as a weird freak or anti-social maniac. But you feel as if you are always walking on tightrope or sprinting over burning coals. When will you break loose? So far you have managed to find a balance. But at what price? You feel that something should be done. But what? You feel that you should change yourself. But how?
Quite frankly speaking, you don’t like yourself much do you? Do you feel that you cannot stand yourself? Are you willing to punch yourself in the face? Do you hate yourself? Do you feel that you don’t want to be around yourself? Is there a way out? Do you see an escape? A light at the end of a tunnel?
Do you wish that you were in someone elses shoes? Look at the others. Do you feel envious of their success? Do you smile when they fail? Do you find happiness and joy in their sorrows? Who is to blame for this? How can you be like that? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Where is your conscience? Should you be like that? Why should society tolerate you? Aren’t you a nuisance? Aren’t you a burden to us? Do you really think you could get away with this? Do you really think that you can have a safe place with us? Perhaps you are rightfully accusing yourself. Perhaps you are guilty of something you don’t know what. Are you afraid to mention the secret longings of your heart? Are you sitting in the dark? Are you alone and lonely? Do you have any friends? Where is your family? How do you live? Do you feel misunderstood? Do you feel ignored and isolated? Do you feel abandoned? Do you feel broken inside? Do you feel hated? Do you feel that the world is not fair? Do you feel that the world doesn’t give a damn about you? Do you feel that you don’t belong here or anywhere else on this god-forsaken planet? Do you feel that life has no meaning? Can you find any reasons for doing what you are doing at the moment? Can you justify your actions, feelings and thoughts? Do you feel that the world doesn’t need you? Do you feel unwelcome? Did you have a bad childhood? Were no one taking good care of you? Do you feel that no one had time for you, especially when you needed it the most? Do you feel that fate has dealt you a bad hand or even if it was a good one you have played it poorly? Do you feel that you have not capitalized on any of the chances you had? Do you feel that you have missed all the targets and squandered all the opportunities? Do you feel deceived and tricked? Do you feel sabotaged by the world? Do you feel that you have wasted away your life? Your life. I am speaking to you. As if life was yours to have and waste… Do you feel that? Do you feel that you are asking the right questions?
You feel that you lack something. You feel that you are not on the right path and that you are moving fast to the final station. You feel that something went terribly wrong, but you can’t exactly pinpoint what it is, where and why. You feel that you are incomplete and fragmented. You have a feeling of a great void inside your heart. You feel insignificant and small. Minuscule. It always feels the same. You don’t trust yourself as you don’t trust the others. You are full of doubts and self-criticism. You feel worthless. You feel that you cannot find anything beautiful, wise and lovable in yourself or others. There’s nothing in my soul. There’s nothing in the world. Nothing. It’s empty. I have no soul. I have no place where to hide my identity. I have nothing to identify myself with. I have nothing to hold on to. Nothing. All is worthless. I am surrounded by meaningless fictions. I don’t know who I am or who I should be. I have no goals and no ideas. Nothing seems worth the effort. Why live? Why bother? Isn’t life the greatest folly?