Believe in me!

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Here’s a free piece of advice. You have to believe in yourself! In your story! Ups… those damn slips of the tongue, I mean, you have to believe in me! Yes, in me and my story that I am trying so hard to sell to you. Believe in me, so that you can make my dreams come true. I mean, who else, if not you, can change the world? Be the change you want to see in the world. Be me! You have to believe in me! I am me because of you. And you are you because of me. And if I am I because you are you and you are you because I am I, then I am you and you are I. Twist it whatever way you want, but the fact remains that we are fundamentally inseparable from one another.
I receive daily ten thousand letters from all parts of the world asking me the same questions all over again and again. “Why are you so awesome?”, “How did you achieve your dreams?” and “What’s your formula for success?”. Since I cannot respond to each and every inquiry individually, my answer to you all collectively is this: “Believe in me!” It is really that simple. There is no need to think it through any further. No need to over-intellectualize or analyze beyond the obvious. You only have to remember this golden maxim and repeat it before going to bed every night: “Believe in me!” There are no conspiracy theories or monetary matters involved in here. I can assure you of that. Take my word for it. I have no hidden agendas and no ulterior motives. In fact, I have no self-interest at all in what I’m about to tell you. I only want to help people. I only want to help you. Believe in me.
Now, it’s not as easy as you would think. I am here to warn you and to offer my helpful and trustworthy hand, which will provide guidance like a light beam illuminating this savage dog eat dog world.
Mind you, my success hasn’t come easy to me either. I have worked my ass off to achieve glory, fame and fortune. My star has been forged with blood. I have climbed the steepest mountains and plunged into the deepest seas. I have suffered unimaginable torments, incredible horrors and griefs. Before you bite the dust, give up the ghost and push up the daisies, you have to suffer first. To the very core of your being. To the bone of your bone. To the soul of your soul. At least that was what my mother used to say. She knew. For she was my mother. Before you can write those beautiful poems, awe-inspiring novels and breathtaking stories, you should have a heart attack or at least a syphilis infection. Before you receive the Nobel prize in literature, your jaw should be disfigured and your tongue cut out. Or if that seems too extreme for your fine manners and too brutal for your good taste, at least you should have something wrong with your virility and erection. As for the second sex, in my humble opinion, you ladies would have suffered enough if only God or Mother Nature had made you old, fat or frigid.
Only then, when you have suffered these infinite and inexhaustible pains, your words will dance with sense and meaning. Then and only then, when you have swallowed a few cups of salty and bitter tears, your story will come alive like a butterfly from a cocoon. And, believe me, only then, when you are facing the capital punishment, you will rise like Christ from the cross. Remember, the most heartfelt, sincere and romantic love stories are written by eunuchs and impotents, widows and old maids. Only atheists and god-deniers can reflect about God without being idolatrous. Only murderers understand true forgiveness and the sick know more about health than those who are healthy and well. And, of course, it goes without saying that the dead are really the living and the ignorant are wise.
You have to stand at the brink of death and gaze your sight into the shadows and bottomless depths, or as Cristian Mihai, the pearl and pride of Romania, would say, you have to stare down at the terrifying, dark and endless abyss. Only then you will succeed and reach the stars, the milky way or even Mars.
Of course, that’s only for starters. Children’s games. Later on, you will have to pay me. Yes, cash. Ka-Ching! You heard it right. Not much, but still. This here is no charity house, a non-profit organization or an NGO for you. I have to eat as well. Lunch, dinner, supper and let’s not forget about the breakfast- the most important meal of the day. You wouldn’t want that I starve, would you? You wouldn’t want that I die, would you? Who would then write those soul-moving stories of mine? Who would then inspire your sons and your daughters? Who would then instill morals and values? Who would then mold your mind and your life for the better?

Now, seriously, think about it, why wouldn’t you want to pay me for all the hard work I am daily doing for you? You know, all the reading, writing, editing, promoting myself on the social media networks and internet sites. Why wouldn’t you want to donate a large sum of money to me for that? Why wouldn’t you want to support my earthly existence with your financial resources and savings? Let’s be frank and call spade a spade, why wouldn’t you want to pay me for my superior wisdom and know how? I mean, look, I have these stories and this wonderful blog. Isn’t it obvious? So many things take place in my grand and cosmic soul. You would never believe it if I hadn’t already told you. Checkmate.
Soon I will start another indiegogo campaign to raise money for paying my bills and for my next visit to the tanning salon and, last but not least, for that juicy cattle steak at the Michelin star awarded restaurant nearby my house. I prefer a fat weekly contribution in Dollars, Euros or Yens. Don’t judge me too harshly. I am just putting it out there in case some generous and kind soul apart from you is willing to make a significant financial contribution to society, intellectual progress of our species and the general enlightenment of future generations. We are all one family. But there is only one me. An absolutely honest fellow. A man of his word. Freethinker. Artist. Author. Writer. Indigo child. PhD aspirant. Gay-activist (as much as I would love to be a  homosexual, unfortunately I am a ladies man. God has set me straight.). Altruist. Crowdfunder. Emerging lifestyle leader. Cyber entrepreneur. Affiliate marketer. Anti-teapartyist and Wall-street occupier. What better credentials can you ask for?
There are plenty of lunatics out there who don’t know what they are talking about and who are insisting that you pay out of your own pockets for their carrots and cabbages. And what do you get in return? A concealed, murky smile? A sole thank you? Better invest in me! I will shower you with my lies… I mean, my stories. Believe in me! I write stories like no one ever has. I have something to sell… I mean, to tell. Dammit, I have to go to my speech therapist, quick! These slips of the tongue are going to spoil my flawless image. My unblemished reputation is at stake. Later, with my exceptional editorial skills I will have to apply self-censure and to edit out some of this deeply embarrassing material before it gets published and appears in the public eye. I wouldn’t want to create an unfavorable impression to my loyal readership and my heard-nosed fans.

I apologize if my outspokenness and my drive for justice will offend some sensitive ears, but my heart is full and I just have to say this for your own benefit: “You have to be like an ape!” You have to do something that you don’t understand on my command. For example,  when I say to you that you should bequeath your financial earnings and your entire assets to me, you have to obey. There is no room for arguments and lengthy discussions. Take my advice as a never-ending education, constant and ongoing self-development and self-enhancement technique. This is why I have to constantly remind you of how much your money matters to me. Believe in me!

Now, I understand that you may not have my talents, my abilities or my genes, you might not even posses a tenth of my charisma, but nevertheless you have to believe that you have something which resembles me. I know it sounds strange, perhaps even slimy and disgusting, but this is how positive thinking and the law of attraction works. And if you want to achieve greatness and stardom, you have to believe first that you can do it like I did when I was in my teens and in love with a girl called Laura.

All this takes much practice and dedication. But most importantly, it takes time. So be patient. Even I got famous only overnight. Even I had my moments of doubt and intense inner struggle, which lasted for a few desperately long seconds. I am not in the mood to elaborate or to give further comments on the hidden chambers of my soul, but all I can say to you is this: “Persevere in your folly and fight against all odds. If I have done it, and I have done, then so can you!”

If I am so rich, so wise and so famous, – well, there is no secret! – it is because I believe that I am rich, wise and famous. I believe in myself and so should you. You have only to imitate me, watch my ways and follow my example. But above all, you have to believe. Believe in me!

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